Unknown To Myself

I feel an emptiness, a longing for….the unknown…I have no words of complaint for the things that I have not said, yet I wish to divulge myself to… myself…how can the sweetness of a of smile and the calm of a touch not be adequate …I question my intentions of restlessness… I question my stance of reality to question my presence…Have I grown tired of the whimsical thoughts that please me to stay?

What is this driving patience that I feel to be contented with being confused…Am I not confused only wishing to bring moments back of myself to have fortitude about the things I do not have….what does it mean when we weep a silent prayer of vigilance, capture a thought in the daylight only to bring about darkness.

I haven’t pleased myself in this longing desire to flee, I have become a victim of my despair and now I have only created a stench of rotting and decaying flesh….a smell that now has grown sweet…being welcomed with delight and I ponder on what does that mean.

Have I embraced the darkness?

Numb only to the facts of the day, yet becoming a solid form in liquid shape, meaning nothing- feeling absolutely…everything…I feel you in the darkness as I dream.

I can see in the darkness… and I really don’t mean to…

I want to close my eyes and become the warm salver that brings joy and happiness back, yet can I exist but for a moment to live…my quiet eyes hold no despair for the contempt that I have found solace…my eyes have shown no glory or mercy for the nature of things that I learn daily…I want to become something else.

I no longer wish the darkness to flee…but I desire to have it re-positioned into another furnace of thought and now I ache constantly and it has become cold.

Now the coldness brings chills of fear to my form and I have not known this type of amusement in the past 7 months…or was it years?
Do I welcome the thoughts that they produce within or have I already captured them making them something else entirely…making them… obedient.

My soul needs rest and I am tired of trying. I desire to have the rest of my mind to live in a place where I no longer feel. With a test you can become what knowledge you create or its said. Now my ramblings offer me no ease at which I can escape, so I read hoping to relieve some suffering…

Your words magnify me and without them I feel that energy has been lost. So now, you won’t speak! Pull the strings of hair from my head to have this moment replaced with a moment in time that we were in utter reverence…and I ramble on to nothing wishing only for you to speak a silent gesture that never comes…praying that I never forget this moment because it has made us…History.